LEARN · 05 / WHY STAY

6 MIN READ

The math is not what you think.

Leaving an abuser is the most statistically dangerous moment of an abusive relationship. Risk of homicide rises sharply after a survivor leaves. Separation is statistically the most dangerous moment of an abusive relationship. The survivor is not miscalculating. The survivor is surviving.

The real reasons, plainly.

• Lethality. Abusers escalate when they lose control. Leaving can trigger that.
• Children. Custody, schools, stability. A survivor often weighs the danger their children face from leaving.
• Money. Financial abuse is usually part of the picture. There is often no savings, no credit, no access.
• Immigration. Fear of status loss, of deportation, of separation from citizen children.
• Faith, family, and community. Pressure to “work on the marriage.” Shame. Isolation.
• Pets. Shelters that won’t take animals force a cruel choice. (We do. See Safety Planning with Pets.)
• Love. The abuser is not one note. There is a person they fell in love with. The relationship contains both.
• Hope. That the good version is the real version and the bad will pass.

Ask a better question.

Instead of “why do you stay?” ask “what would help you be safer today?” That question fits the survivor’s reality. It is answerable. Our job is to provide the answers: shelter, legal support, case management, a plan that fits the life actually being lived.

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