What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used to gain and maintain power and control in an intimate relationship. It is rarely just hitting. It is rarely a single event.
It’s not always a fist.
Our cultural shorthand for domestic violence is a black eye. Real DV is usually something else, often something with no visible mark. It is coercive control: a pattern of tactics used to gradually reshape a partner’s world until their choices no longer feel like their own.
The tactics, in plain language.
- Emotional abuse. Contempt. Silent treatment. Humiliation in public or private. “I’m the only one who could love you.”
- Isolation. Severing friendships and family ties. Moving away from support systems. Monitoring phone and social media.
- Financial abuse. Controlling money, sabotaging work, piling debt in a survivor’s name. This is a big one. See the decoder.
- Intimidation. Punching walls. Breaking things. Threats against children, pets, immigration status, reputation.
- Sexual coercion. Pressure, guilt, threats, or force within an intimate relationship.
- Physical violence. Often the last line crossed, not the first.
Why the legal definition matters.
Survivors often think “it doesn’t count” because there’s no bruise to photograph. It counts. Coercive control is recognized in California law and forms the basis for restraining orders even absent physical violence.
Who it happens to.
DV crosses every age, race, gender, sexual orientation, immigration status, religion, ability, and socio-economic class. No demographic is exempt. Some patterns statistically concentrate: LGBTQ+ survivors, Indigenous women, immigrants, and people with disabilities face elevated risk. But the pattern itself is universal: a partner attempting to control another through fear.
Next: if the tactics above felt familiar, go to Warning Signs for a clearer checklist, or the Financial Abuse Decoder to see one tactic up close.